Ten Tips for Avoiding Valentine's Day Disasters

How to Get What You Want on Valentine's Day... And What To Do If You Don't by Marilyn Graman and Maureen Walsh At first glance Valentine's Day is a cushiony, pink, red and white landscape of hearts and flowers. But arrow-pocked veterans of this Feb. 14 terrain know it's pitted with romance-shattering mine fields. Help navigating this shifty territory is here.

Your man is not a mind reader. You are a complicated person who can be difficult to read and even harder to please. What you want right now may not be what you wanted yesterday -- or even five minutes ago. Your man's needs, however, probably haven't changed a whole lot since you met him. It's likely he is less complicated than you are, and this makes him easier to please.

Imagine trying to make yourself happy from his perspective. He often feels stumped when faced with your shifting needs. Your man wants you to be happy. In all likelihood, when you are clear, calm, and loving in your request, he will give you want you want. Then you will be happy, and he will feel like a hero for being able to make you happy. What is more romantic than that?

Tip #1
If you're too subtle, you're asking for trouble.

Women are much better at verbal communication than men. You think you're dropping hints, but he's hearing... nothing. You have to be more obvious with a man than you would with a woman. Tell him about a store where you saw "these beautiful white pearl earrings." He needs clues about color, size, shape and where to buy. Dog-ear catalog pages or circle ads in newspapers and magazines then put them someplace where he can't help seeing them (nightstand, fridge, coffee table, car).

Tip #2
Show consideration for his money situation.

Men tend to value gifts by the amount spent, whereas women value the thought behind the present. He will spend $100 for a dinner and feel like a hero when you would've been more satisfied with $20 takeout and cozy candlelight at home. Or he might think it's ridiculous to spend $100 on roses, and you wish he'd be a little extravagant just once for you. Try your best to take money out of the equation by suggesting ideas that match his budget. Mention an article you read about how Valentine's Day flowers cost far less if ordered a week in advance. "A trick my husband and I started using years ago," notes How To Be Cherished co- author Maureen Walsh, "is to go out to dinner the night before Valentine's Day. That way we miss the high-priced Valentine's dinner packages and enjoy a romantic night at home."

Tip #3
Enlist the support of Cupid's helpers.

You probably have a favorite jewelry store, local florist, bakery, clothing store. Tell the clerks what you're hoping to get for Valentine's Day, and ask them to be on the lookout for your man. You might drag your man along window- shopping one day, so the clerks get a good look at him. When he shows up on Valentine's Day, they'll know what you like and can steer him in the right direction. You might also recruit your siblings or parents, or his siblings or parents, or mutual friends, in case he should ask, "What should I get her for Valentine's Day?" Or his Mom or best friend could do the asking: "So, what are you two doing for Valentine's Day?" -- and then suggest something if he appears clueless.

Tip #4
Make room for intimacy.

Valentine's Day is loaded with expectations about romance (her) and sex (him). If your sex is usually better in the morning, you might want to get up early and set the stage for a terrific day. Or at least give him something to think about during the day. If late-night sex is often a problem (because of fatigue or too much food or drink) you might suggest late dinner reservations, then sneak in a little romance before going out.

Tip #5
Capitalize on Valentine's Day being an all-day affair.

Valentine's Day falls on a Saturday in 2004, which means it removes the work issue for many people and allows extended last-minute shopping in case your man is challenged by getting a gift more than 24 hours in advance. It also leaves you more time for setting morning fires to better put him in the mood to come through later in the day. Relax and enjoy being adored. You have something to do with being cherished!

Tip #6
Have a backup plan in case he has no plan.

Make dinner reservations but don't tell him. You can always cancel if he takes care of it. Book a babysitter so if he doesn't take you out, you can take him out. Have something in mind in case he asks, "What do you want to do for Valentine's Day?" Make sure you have the makings of a fabulous impromptu dinner in the fridge -- champagne and shrimp, for example -- in case going out for dinner starts feeling like a bad plan. Buy two gifts for him -- a simple one and an extravagant one; give him the one that matches the mood and return the other, or save it for his birthday.

Tip #7
Don't read too much into the gifts he gives.

Many women like to gift-shop, many men don't. Gifts mean more to women than men. For women, gifts are highly symbolic of how well their man understands them. Because of this, men often feel that gifting is a trap where they're damned if they do and damned if they don't. Their experience is that women are often disappointed by the gifts they give. So try to remember on Valentine's Day that the wrong gift doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It means he doesn't do gifting well, and needs more coaching and practice.

Tip #8
Give him what you want to receive.

Women place great emphasis on not only the gift but also its timing and presentation. If you want a fancily wrapped gift and a big card first thing in the morning so you'll know you are loved all day, then have them for him when he wakes up. If you want lingerie, then give him satin boxers and he'll figure out you are looking for some intimate time, too. He'll know what you are looking for and feel relieved, delighted and loved. And hopefully next year he'll show the style and sensitivity you'd like on Valentine's Day.

Tip #9
Adjust expectations for next year.

If he doesn't get you flowers buy a dozen for yourself after Valentine's Day. They'll cost a third as much and he'll see the size and color he might get for you next year. Just don't make him feel bad. Tell him you couldn't resist the sale. He'll get the message.

Tip #10
Be gracious about "wrong" gifts.

Don't pout. He loves you. He's trying. Few things crush a man's ego as much as disappointing a woman with a gift. And take some responsibility for leaving him clueless. How could you have helped him? How can you be more pleaseable? Don't return the gift the next day. Don't ask for a receipt unless he suggests it. Leave the gift in plain view for a few days, then move it out of sight for a few more, then either return it or give it away. Remember he was trying to please you and if he didn't, you have some work to do.

-- Marilyn Graman, a psychotherapist since 1978, has a thriving practice in Greenwich Village. A graduate of Queens College with a Masters degree in early childhood education from City University.

-- Maureen Walsh is a "business therapist" and the co-founder of Life Works, Inc.