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Heartache
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Did you have a recent breakup in your relationship? Are you in need of advice what to do? Did
you want to know if relationships are supposed to be easy? What are you supposed to do?
I've compiled a list of tips below that might help ease your broken heart. There's also an
excellent article below that talks about relationships and the myth that they are supposed to
be easy. Also please send anything that's been helpful to you, I'll be glad to post them
so we all can get through those heartaches together!
lorelei@lovemermaid.com
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Just broken up?
Sad and don't know what to do?
Number One:
You've Got to believe in YOU again!
Listen to Your favorite albums as loud
as you want to--no love songs though--
find the old song "I Will Survive", and
play it as many times as necessary.
Number Two:
Do the Things that make YOU happy!
This is a GREAT time to take yourself to
the video store and rent movies you've always
wanted to watch and then get those good munchies
you love and have some fun...really give it a chance.
Number Three:
Try to Get Away!
Can you take a trip? Even a small hour-long
drive--you are not stuck anywhere, you need
to get out there on the open road and realize
that there's a world full of people out there,
just waiting for you :)
Number Four:
Don't abuse yourself, amuse yourself!
Take that hour-long bubble bath, and really
pour on the bubles! Eat that decadent hamburger!
Try to keep yourself clear of booze and drugs,
they'll just make you feel even more sad, trust me.
Number Five:
Remember Others
This is the hardest thing--but we actually have
to remember that other people go through rough
stuff too, and maybe helping someone else out
is just what you need to do right now, but make
sure it's someone of the same gender, it's no
fun to confuse yourself right now.
Number Six:
Chocolate, Chocolate, and MORE Chocolate!
Okay, so some people think it's a depressant, but
it has been proven to pump up the same feelings of
happiness that falling in love give us--honest!
If you're allergic, or not into it, what is your
favorit flavor? Pursue that with a passion! :)
Are Relationships Supposed To Be Easy?
People often ask, "What's wrong with my relationship?" or "Why are relationships so hard?"
There are several good answers, but let's first look at the questions and why they are even
posed.
When people wonder why their relationship is so difficult, the underlying assumption is
that it shouldn't be. There is an implied belief and expectation that a good relationship
should come naturally, easily. This is a remnant of the myth of romantic love and its
subsequent cultural conditions that "love is the answer" to all our life's struggles.
There seems to be a collective fantasy that "when the right person comes along", we will
join together in perfect harmony and move through life together like paired ice skaters --
flowing flawlessly, effortlessly. Then when we stumble (have conflict) we worry, "What's
wrong" Why is this so hard?"
Maybe the answer is, "There's nothing wrong. By their very nature relationships will be
difficult, and sometimes very difficult." Here's why.
First, most of us desire relationships that are satisfying and meaningful before we have
even developed a good relationship with ourselves. We somehow expect to be able to connect
deeply with another person before we have connected even superficially with ourselves.
Culturally, self-reflection and exploration are seen as indulgent or wasteful, yet we are
pressed to enter into emotionally committed relationships before we've given ourselves a chance
to explore who we are, what we believe and feel at our cores, what our strengths and frailities
may be. Often relationship struggles are the outer reflection of our inner struggle to find
and define self.
Secondly, relationships are hard because they require balancing two basic and conflicting
human drives: the need to be a separate, autonomous self (and the individual freedom this
implies) with the need to be connected with other (and the compromise/negotiation this requires).
Many relationship issues revolve around this basic dilemma, we may err on the side of being
too separate (distanced emotionally or physically) or of being too close (emotionally fused,
Siamese-twin style). Finding and maintaining our own natural rhythm and movement in this
"dance of relationship" is no easy task, and may require a lifetime to master.
Doesn't this all point to the reality of the inherent difficulty of relationships? Imagine
if we began to anticipate and even embrace these struggles as the process by which we come to
deeply know ourselves and others, to develop and mature toward our fullest capacities. What a
shift in perspective!
Think of it this way: We are born into the river of life each in our own boat. You can't
get into my boat and have your own life, and I can't get in your boat and have my life. Trouble
arises when you try to climb in my boat or expect me to climb in yours. We each have to struggle
to learn to paddle our own boats, and to negotiate the different currents of the river.
Sometimes, you may prefer to paddle by the bank while I prefer the middle, or you may be ready
to go farther and faster before I am. But sometimes -- perhaps even often as the years go by --
we may find ourselves choosing to paddle close together, in a synchronized pace, toward a mutual
destination.
--Beth Bellamy is a parent education and counselor trained in the Hakomi Method of
psychotherapy.
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